Drunk Pitch
by Lurkany
Summary: What do you get when you take a drunk Pitch and let him loose at North's Workshop? Fun times! Pranks!


_Hokay folks I threw this on the RotG kink site (on the off chance someone recognizes this) as someone asked for a drunk Pitch loose in North's workshop. This was my take on it. I made a few corrections to the one on the kink site. Critique very much welcomed!_

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><p>This is it. <em>This is the day.<em> This will be the day those nasty, silly, Guardians will rue! They will regret having made enemies with Pitchnier Black! With that thought in mind, said Nightmare King stood and strode (stumbled) towards the darkest shadow. The object in his grasp flew over his shoulder and smashed along the floor.

This plan could not fail.

The darkness enveloped him, scenery flashed by until the right one came along. Out he stepped, into the heart of one Nicholas St. North's workshop.

Or fell, as it were.

The shadow he stepped from happened to be up on the ceiling. He righted himself in no time, tittering as he patted himself off. He flung his arms out, half tripping over his far-too-long cloak.

"Guardians! I have returned! Yo - you aren't Guardians." He squinted at the nearest thing in sight, giggling quietly. "You aren't Guardians at all." The doll's glassy-eyed stare was the only response. His head spun around, taking in his surroundings.

Toy storage. Or something. Models, perhaps?

Pitch managed his way over to a small, what appeared to be, baby doll. By "managed" he walked in as many diagonals as humanly possible and still got to his desired location. He held the toy aloft, quietly gushing at how cute it was. His finger happened upon the small pull string on the back. He pulled and released.

For the next several seconds it stated, in a very childlike manner, "momma." Pitch jumped, clamping a hand over its mouth, attempting to shush it.

"SHH! They'll know we're here!"

The words were barely off his lips before he locked eyes on a rocking horse. Then a truck with blinking lights and sounds. A globe that played music, flying toys, trains, stuffed toys, dolls of every shape and size and - oh dear! A train set! In just a matter of seconds he had every last item wound up, pulled and running in a cacophony of terrible sound of buzzing, beeping, whirring and chiming music. The bright lights flashing appeared like a terribly executed light show with toys zipping around the room and bouncing off walls.

The man giggled delightfully in the center of the chaos like a mad conductor, catching his breath when he heard hurried footsteps headed his way. Pitch glanced around quickly, jumping into a shadow just as two very confused looking yetis burst in. Another squeal of joy escaped his lips before he slipped from the room.

He struggled to escape from the shadow he was in. He fumbled for a second, feeling something pressing against his back, to get his hands up from his sides. He struggled in the shadow he was in before bursting out, arms flung wide and clinging the doors he held in either hand.

Elves ceased all activity to look upon the bright-eyed Nightmare King standing in their pantry. He glanced down upon them.

Two fainted out right. Several of them ran in terror. One remained, tray of cookies shaking in his hands.

"You are so adorable."

The elf dropped the tray and bolted. He didn't get far before spindly fingers grabbed ahold of his dingling hat. The King of Nightmares jostled the creature about, quietly squealing when the elf's hat jingled. He hardly had time to relish this when a yeti blew through the doors, yelling. Pitch jumped back into the cupboard and slammed the doors.

"Shhhh! They won't find us here." He nodded excessively at the terrified elf.

They slithered out of another shadow, Pitch holding his elf close, and found themselves in a closet. No, not a closet. Some kind of.. electrical storage. Thing.

Pitch peered in the darkness at a series of gray boxes on the wall. All of them had doors that were shut. The elf jingled in his hand as he opened a door to one box and flipped switches. Nothing. Pitch frowned. He flipped all the switches multiple times in all the different boxes and noticed nothing happened.

Pitch couldn't have known that throughout the Workshop lights flickered on and off and the elevators stopped and started according to his switch flipping. He flipped a couple more, whining openly when nothing appeared to change.

"Elf, why doesn't it work?"

The elf in question looked up in horror. Pitch gazed back, lower lip protruding. Surrendering to the gray boxes, Pitch moved on. He exited through the door, taking his time and concentrating when at first the door refused to push open.

They were in a large icy cavern with another door steps away on their left. And there it was. Right in the open.

The sleigh.

Pitch flung himself at it, elf jangling along. He examined every corner of the sled. In a moment of pure brilliance he grabbed a nearby icicle and hopped into the immaculate vehicle.

"I really should get one." He nodded emphatically, one hand clutching the icicle while the other pinned the elf to the floor by his hat. "Except mine would be dark and - and - and I'd have Nightmares pull it instead of reindeer." The wood screeched viciously as he drug the tip of the icicle into the floorboards. "I should get reindeer! They'd be black and as terrifying as my Nightmares, don't you think, Elf?"

The elf pawed at the floorboards in a failing attempt to escape. Pitch chuckled to himself as he continued engraving.

Voices - shouting, really - drew near and Pitch gathered the elf to him, hand clamping over the frightened mouth of his companion. He peered over the edge of the sleigh as the door opened up.

"I'll get the lights on! Shut ya gob and keep lookin' for 'em ya dill! He's here somewhere!"

The oversized rabbit stalked along, hears flicking about as he muttered. In his paws were his boomerangs, ready for anything. Pitch eyed him carefully, or as carefully as one did when all he could think of was how delightfully soft that fur must be. Pitch heard a couple clicks as Bunny tried the light in the breaker room. The Guardian of Hope grumbled that Pitch would kill the lights here too. He slipped from the sleigh, grasping the bell and elf tightly as he edged close to the door.

Bunnymund flicked switches on, pausing when the light above his head came to life. Pitch let out a quiet breath of air, lunging forward. Bunny just started turning at the sound before a mass of dark hair buried itself into his cheek. Long arms squeezed the rabbit into horrified submission. The hand clutching the elf smothered the poor thing into Bunny's shoulder.

A shudder rippled throughout the Guardian's body at being violated like this. Pitch only nuzzled the side of Bunny's thick cheek fur in absolute glee. Something between a shriek of joy and giggle came from the man's throat as he hugged the furry creature closer.

"You. Are. So. Fluffy! I could hold you forever!"

Bunny let out the loudest, manliest, yelp he could, flinging both of them into a wall as he tried to squirm away. His boomerangs clattered to the floor as he twisted around, pressing his feet into Pitch to spring out of his iron grip. The guardian kicked away, bouncing off of the back wall and through the door. Pitch had barely enough time to gather his elf and sit up right before watching the rabbit's tail disappear behind the Workshop door.

The elf pried at Pitch's fingers desperately as Pitch stared after the guardian, laughing.

"I want those pulling my sled. Do you know that, Elf? They'd be so - so - just - ah!" And he hugged the elf to his chest, fingers curling as the same joyous chirp resounded.

Pitch stood, spun around and flicked the switches again before disappearing into a shadow.

The Workshop was alive with activity centered on finding him now. And he adored it.

He managed to make it to North's study. He heard a light musical number playing, something he'd heard throughout his few adventures in the Toymaker's workshop. It took less then a second to find the source. He glanced at Elf and Elf looked back, furiously shaking his head no.

"Don't touch?" The Elf first shook, then nodded.

He approached the elegantly crafted machine and touched it anyways. The music instantly shifted, reacting to his touch. It fluttered between several song selections, precisely in time with what he thought of. It dawned on him then that the music box would play what he wanted it to.

But what to play?

Oh.. Oh he knew what.

As the first low notes of a guitar and simple drum beat began he started toward the shelves littered with ice sculptures. Then he paused. He turned back, snatched the box from the shelf, riddled out how to crank it up, and tucked it into his cloak.

He heard the music pounding throughout the workshop and laughed excitedly. He didn't like the song, necessarily, but it beat the hell out of that classical stuff from a minute ago. He grinned madly at Elf and Elf, surprisingly, grinned back for a brief moment.

Pitch started moving things around, Elf jingling every time he moved something. Something clattered to the floor when he bumped into a shelf and he ignored it initially. Until he fell through it. Pitch looked around, Elf pressed into the floor, and dropped the ice figurines in his hands. The Globe Room appeared around him and the snowglobe he fell through wrapped itself back up and rolled towards Pitch.

The King of Nightmares eyed the Globe, then the snowglobe. And snickered. Pitch would have fun with this.

Yetis catching fleeting glimpses of him skipping down a hallway would take chase only to fall into trap of "cleverly" hidden buckets of paint (they shouldn't leave that stuff out in the open!). Toys precisely painted acquired new, scribbled on faces in between rearranging Christmas decorations. Trees ended up dangling precariously from the ceiling, wreaths lined sink basins and toilet seats, lights were lined on the floor like runway lights and dangling baubles were hung on paintings, toys, elves and yetis (when he was quick enough).

And each time a Guardian was one step behind. Sandy almost caught him with a whip as he danced through a shadow.

Pitch hardly started redecorating a new room before an exceptionally heavy hand fell on his collar and yanked him from the task. The hulking figure physically drug him from the room and down the hall. Angry Russian filled his ears as his captor bellowed over the blasting music.

Right now Pitch missed Elf. But Elf had gone to a good cause.

They ended up in the Globe Room, Pitch being hurled along the floor in front of some disgruntled Guardians. Well, four of them. The fifth one was clutching his staff to stay on his feet. Bunny had his paws over his ears, glare shifting between Pitch and the ceiling.

"Can't ya get it to stuff up?"

"As soon as Pitch shows me where he put it!"

"There isn't anything you can do in the meantime North?" Tooth asked, wincing.

"NO! Is MAGIC box connected throughout workshop!"

Sandy's dreamsand flew above his head, unnoticed by all.

Jack was wiping at his eyes. Silently laughing.

"Crikey, mate, why'd you do something like that?"

"Did not intend for such use!"

They rounded on Pitch, varying in shades of red and purple. Except Jack. Who now bit into his knuckles to keep the barking laughter in.

"Pitch, do you know what you're doing?"

"Where is box, Pitch?!"

"Touch me again, an-"

"I'd love to!" Pitch stated quickly, flinging his arms out in Bunny's direction. Bunny lurched behind Tooth, shoving the feathered woman in front. "I've always loved feathers too, you know?" His hands cupped in front of him, eyes displaying an earnest honesty in them.

The two guardians fought over who should be in front then, arguing fur over feathers, age over beauty, and so on. Pitch chuckled, toothy grin sliding to North.

"Mind if I run my fingers through your beard?" The large man spluttered then, instantly smothering his large hands over his silky white whiskers protectively. Gold eyes skimmed to Sandy and he bit his tongue. He thought of a good one, suggesting they play in the sand together, but the little man punched one fist into another - clearly seeing where Pitch intended to go. The dangerously narrowed eyes boring into his meant immediate death if he dared let those words pass his lips.

He gazed at Jack then, half sitting, half lying on the floor now. All words would be lost upon him in his current state. And he'd had such a good one for him. Pitch started chuckling again, drawing the bickering guardian's attentions once more.

They growled over one another, trying to explain how terrible this was. Trying to tell him, exactly, what and why this was wrong.

"You taped them together -"

"- dumped glitter-glue on -"

"- carved into my sleigh!"

All the while Sandy glared and smashed one fist into the other's palm. Images flashed quickly over his head, making Pitch's head spin.

Tooth growled, spinning around to face Jack. "This isn't funny!"

The young spirit wiped pointlessly at his eyes, breathless.

"Y-You ca- ha, ha, ha, - can't scold him with - with that playing."

Put the you know what, in the you know where;  
>Put the you know what, in the you know where;<br>Put the you know what, in the you know where;  
>Put the you know what in the you know where, Pronto<p>

Blared overhead as Jack said it. A new series of cackling erupted from the winter spirit as the song began again.

Pitch pointed at Jack, beaming. "He gets it!"

"IS NOT THE POINT!"

Pitch bowed his head a little, eyes large as he gazed up at the four upright guardians. His eyes shifted slightly behind them as they continued explaining why he needed to get out and what the hell he did wrong. Pitch's face split into a charming smile which gave them pause.

A long pale finger pointed behind them.

"Look!"

The Russian's face was a dangerous red already and he reluctantly turned, arms crossed over his chest. "What? There's - PITCH! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY GLOBE?!"

The man rushed forward towards the ledge, causing the other Guardians to spin around. Pitch slipped out of the room just as the globe spun on its axis, revealing a poorly (and quickly done) self portrait of Pitch and Elf over a large section of the globe. Christmas lights were tangling up at the top near the gears that spun the globe.

Maddening giggles echoed down the hall and through the Workshop over a very agitated "PITCH!"

Two hours passed before they finally found Pitch again. They found him half curled on a countertop in a side kitchen. Sleeping. His face pressed against a flour jar, arms half holding Christmas bulbs and sugar cookies shaped like horses. The flour and sugar jars were empty and frosting was everywhere.

They decided this was a blessing. Asleep Pitch was a far better thing than insane awake Pitch. No more hide and seek, chasing after him on toy trains, avoiding Mistletoe traps ("Really North? Magic Mistletoe?" "Shut up and kiss.") , to name a few.

They all rested for a moment: Bunny in his mismatched colored fur against a cabinet. Tooth with glitter along her back and tail feathers hovering near the door. North with bits of beard missing and bootless sitting in a chair. Jack, grin plastered over his cheeks, leaning on his crook. And Sandy lay on a cloud of sand, face buried deep.

"Aww, look at him guys. Not so scary now, is he?"

"Good, you take home."

"Good idea, mate." Bunny stalked out of the kitchen grumbling about how to clean his fur off.

"Have fun Jack." Tooth said, patting his cheek before quickly flying out.

"Hey! Wait! I didn't say I wanted to take him!" Jack called after the two that left. He spun around, facing North and Sandy. "San-"

Dreamsand displayed a very vivid image of Sandy taking his frustrations out on Jack AND Pitch if he had to take the latter home.

"C'mon... It - it was funny Sandy. You did get out of the bottle!"

Steam-sand flew from his ears and he stomped his foot. Out he went.

North stood up and clapped his hand on the younger spirit's shoulder. "It would be best if you took him."

Jack exhaled and the pair went over to the sleeping Nightmare King. They sat him upright and the tall figure exhaled, head leaning back. The whiff of breath they got curled what beard North had left and made Jack clasp hands over his face. They recovered, maneuvering the figure to drape awkwardly on Jack's shoulders. A snowglobe dropped out as they did this and North spied it with a frown.

"What else do you have there?"

They patted Pitch down, discovering his cloak contained a lot. As in 2 snowglobes, 3 strings of lights, one small hat rack, a pocketful of cookies, four tubes of frosting, six different paint brushes, several toys and two markers.

They glanced at each other and then down at the happily sleeping drunk.

"Too bad he didn't have a hat. Could've pulled a rabbit out of it I'm sure." Jack smirked.

"Don't say that, Bunny could hear."

"Bunny DID hear!"

Came the reply. Both looked at the door, expressions mixed.

North sighed, looking around at the new mess, shaking his head. "Here. Take him and go." He pressed a snowglobe into one hand and dropped Pitch on the stringy spirit. "But come back. Or I'll have Sandy get you."

Jack didn't need to be told twice. He shook the globe and flung it to the floor. Through the other side they stepped, out onto his pond. He shifted his charge, making his way to the line of trees. Jack dropped him, flinching as Pitch's head smacked into a trunk.

"Oops. Sorry." He shifted the figure into what he figured was a comfortable spot and stood back. "If I knew you partied like that I'd have brought you alcohol sooner. Next one's on me. We're going to the Warren."

Pitch smiled, giggling quietly in his sleep.

"Knew you'd like that." Jack ruffled the Boogeyman's hair and returned to the Workshop.

It took four hours to reassemble North's office. Twelve to sort everything misplaced. One day to rearrange decorations. Three days to wash glitter out of clothes, fur and feathers. Seven days to rub paint off of every surface. Nine days to scrape paint out of fur. Eleven to repair the heavily engraved "Pitch was here" from the sleigh. Thirteen to repair the globe's axis.

And two extra damn weeks to find the music box. Inside the globe. Blaring nonstop.


End file.
